Here's a funny seo contract that I just put together, that I think you might get a giggle out of. As funny as it is, I think there are a lot of seo firms out there, where some of this might apply! By the way, you can download this below.
This agreement is made between Links r Us Pty Ltd (the “Links r Us”) and the client specified on the Order Form (the “Client”).
1. Service Delivery
Links r Us will blast the crap out of as many chinese blogs, turkish soft porn dating forums and illegal prescription drug websites with every backlink type conceivable. This includes, but is not limited to blog commenting, hidden text, keyword stuffing, blatent spamming and other methods that we can put on our proposal to make it sound like we know what were talking about.
It’s more than likely that in addition to these tactics, and to achieve the desired outcome, that we’ll probably also implement automated link building software, like Dicky Links v2.3, Google Woogly, Juicylinks, and Linklickers Pro, just to ensure complete saturation and coverage, as well as just to annoy and aggrevate webmasters for our own self amusement.
For those ordering the platinum level membership (extra $5,000 per month) we will also utilise our highly trained team of ex Indian cab drivers and Malaysian Pygmies to churn out recycled non sensicle content of your choice, around the clock from our inhouse sweat shop.
Links r Us, will commence providing the services as outlined in the Work Order Form (the "Services") on the terms and conditions of this agreement (or whenever we feel like it, whichever comes first). In order for us to begin you must provide a completed Work Order Form and signed copy of this agreement, as well as having made payment. We do accept direct debit or credit card, but prefer cash, for tax evasion reasons.
Any services which the Client requests Links r Us to provide that are outside the scope of the Services will be provided at the rate of $450 per hour (ex tax). Because let’s face it, that just pisses everyone off and causes delays.
(a) The Client will pay the fees specified in the Work Order Form (the "Fees") within 3 days of the issue date of the invoice, or when we decide to threaten you via telephone or email. This basically means, don’t try to screw us around with payment, otherwise, there’ll be trouble. Be mindful, we prefer cash for reasons mentioned above. We might consider sending you a thank you letter for early payment, but it’s probably not likely.
(b) All fees are quoted exclusive of applicable sales taxes. We might chuck in a few extra charges and fees every now and then if business is slow.
3. Client responsibilities
For the sole purpose of providing the Services, the Client:
(a) will promptly provide all other assistance reasonably required by Links r Us. This means;
1. Don’t screw us around;
2. Call us occasionally with praise, because we’re awesome.
4. Client acknowledgments
The Client acknowledges that the conditions listed below basically mean that if things goes pear shaped, such as Godzilla running amok through one of Google’s main data centers or your rankings falling like Facebook shares, that it’s not our fault. We are well within our rights to;
1. Blame someone else;
2. Continue taking your money;
3. Become totally evasive;
4. Shift our business operations to Mexico
The Client agrees that Links r Us will not be deemed to have breached this agreement;
(a) if the ranking of the Website adversely changes for any reason. In this respect, the Client acknowledges that Links r Us does not guarantee the ranking of the Website, even though we say we do. We just pull that crap at the time of getting the contract signed to make things feel a bit more warm n fuzzy;
(b) if Google changes their algorithm, leaving everyone at a total loss as to what the hell is going on. At this point, we will send your monthly reports containing Bing’s search results;
(c) if Google decides to remove, deindex or suspend the Client's Website from its webpage ranking system or search result system. This happens every now and then but don’t worry, when it does, we’ll just recommend you begin using Adwords, and we’ll charge you for that;
(d) if Google decides not to promptly process any submissions made by Links r Us. If this does occur, we have a team of experts able to flood Google’s search engine with a DOS attack rendering it useless. This will see an increase in your Bing and Yahoo traffic. It’s a win win situation.;
(e) if a government agency, like NCIS or the A-team takes any action which adversely affects the ranking of the Website. I wouldn’t worry too much about this. It's us that should probably worry;
(f) if the Client makes changes to the Website, whether on its own initiative or by someone’s 12 year old nephew with a little bit of Front page experience. In this respect, the Client agrees that Links r Us will be entitled to slap some heads, send further abusive emails or request more money; or
(g) if the Client decides that even though they’ve hired an seo contractor that they know best, and want us to include a dancing chicken as your header tags, then its likely we will smile, nod in agreement and continue taking your money. Of course the client further acknowledges that it may select and pay for additional SEO methodologies, such as negative seo, should it wish to Google bowl its competitors and rank above them.
5. Term and Termination
This agreement commences when we say so, or when you send us an envelope containing non sequencial unmarked $100 notes. We’ll let you know when the shows over by not returning your calls or emails, or :
(a) the date which is 30 days after the delivery of a threatening letter sent directly to your mothers house; or
(b) the date at which point you realise that we’ve milked you for every cent and you’re considering hiring a legal representative. We’d rather just call it even and go our own way.
(c) if our company gets caught for some kind of unfair or innapropriate business practices
6. Acts of God
If an event or circumstance occurs which prevents Links r Us from delivering all or part of the Services that are outside the control of Links r Us (an "Act of God" event), then Links r Us will be:
(a) able to bail; and
(b) entitled to claim any money or trinkets of value (such as star wars figurines and bacon scented neck ties) as a result of the Act of God event,
provided that it promptly notifies the Client of what terrible event has actually taken place, whilst maintaining a level of professionalism. Even if someone’s underwear is on fire during that time.
An act of God might be considered something along the lines of;
(a) Jesus returns with an endless supply of chocolate biscuits;
(b) Elvis is found alive; or
(c) ET was actually real
7. Loss and Damages
Notwithstanding anything to the contrary in this agreement, neither party is liable for any indirect or consequential loss or damage whatsoever caused or suffered by the other party in connection with this agreement. Unless of course, our team decides to leave a robots.txt bomb on your website as a result of non payment. In this case, we’ll be long gone.
8. Liability n' Stuff
Subject to certain clauses in this agreement, the liability of Links r Us to the Client for any losses arising in relation to this agreement as a result of the non-performance or perhaps us just skipping town, shall not exceed the sum of money in our petty cash tin. As of writing this agreement we have $6.30.
We’ll be sure to keep the agreement and its terms strictly confidential unless of course, external parties or competitors offer us an irresistable amount of money. In which case, it’s likely that the odd report might get slipped under the table during coffee at the local café. Of course, we’re joking, but if interested, please email us at email@example.com.
10. Dispute resolution
All disputes must first be attempted to be resolved by both parties over a friendly game of ping pong and a few beers. We advise you bring your own bat and beer. If the parties are unable to resolve the dispute within 2 games, they will play the best of 5.
At no point is diving onto the table in an effort to save a shot, accusing Links r Us of rigging the game, excessive swearing, bat throwing or burping to be tolerated.
If during the game both parties become heavily intoxicated and no-one can remember the score, the dispute is immediately disregarded and the agreement stands. Links r Us, may at some point consider cheating during the game or continually refilling your beer to ensure avoiding a potential lawsuit.
Let's just hope if things go bad, that nobody notices.
Links r Us, has the right to change this agreement at any time. Especially when it doesn’t work in our favour.
If any part or provision of this agreement is found to be void, invalid or otherwise unenforceable, then Links r Us, will most likely try to ammend the agreement in favour of ourselves or just pack up and bail. You can try your best to find us, but we can assure that we’ll be long gone with your money. We might send you a postcard.
We like ice cream, but not those waiver things. Please don’t send us any. Thank you.
15. Entire agreement
Yes, this is the entire agreement. Unless we’ve missed a few pages. In which case, no this isn’t it.
16. The law
This agreement is governed by Starsky and Hutch, Macguiver and Chuck Norris. It has also been read and given approval by Vanilla Ice.
In this agreement:
(a) what we say and what we do are probably going to be two completely different things;
(b) with any hope, this agreement has confused you. If that’s the case, we’ve succeeded in our objective;
(c) ‘major search engines’ might mean Google, or it might mean duckduckgo depending on how badly we’ve messed up;
Executed on behalf of the Client
by its authorised representative:
[DOWNLOAD THIS SEO CONTRACT HERE]